Don't Mess With The Metro

Hello hockey fans, hot take specialist Andy here. While readers are familiar with the rest of this site dedicated to discussing the various strengths of each Metropolitan division team, it’s time to knock them all down a peg. This is all for jokes, so put the pitchforks away as I present to you: The Mess that is the Metro

Carolina Hurricanes

In life, there are often two ways to look at various situations: you can be an idealist or a realist. This can especially be said for this franchise of the Carolina Hurricanes. Upon first moving from Hartford to Raleigh, the Carolina fans were greeted to hockey with the playoffs three times in 5 years, even so much as a stanley cup finals run in 2002. And in all reality, the Carolina Hurricanes have made the Eastern Conference Finals in their last three ventures in playoff hockey. For an idealist, that’s pretty good is it not?

Well reality check: they’ve only made the playoffs three times since 2001. Outside of those years has been a team that is a perennial lottery contender. Not to mention the dumpster bin for Chicago’s bad contracts and fringe depth players. Most athletes used to celebrate winning a championship by going to Disneyland. Imagine a Blackhawks player lifts up the cup and yells “I’m going to NC State!”

The makeup of this 2017-18 roster looks more like a reality show than a hockey team. Team chemistry is definitely a factor in the sport, and one that was overlooked when this squad was assembled. Half this team is playing until their AARP card comes in the mail, while the other half’s first cell phone was the iPhone 4. Man, how I’d love to listen in on the conversations in the locker room: “Why are there dog ears on your head in this picture?” “No I don’t have a VHS player.”

Hey, you guys still have a Staal! That’s pretty cool, I guess. I mean he’s not exactly the best Staal, even though Eric used to be the face of your franchise and your most marketable player. Nor the worst Staal, but we’ll look back at him later *crowd boos cheap joke*. Instead, you guys have...Jordan Staal. $6 million a year for a glorified third liner. Well, half of that is thanks to his last name.

Justin Williams is coming home. Yes, after coming through clutch in numerous Game 7s for the Hurricanes and Kings, he had to experience a game 7 loss in order to say “Welp, my career’s circling the pipes. Wonder if there’s a team foolish enough to look at my DC inflated points from the last two years and sign me?” And really he didn’t have to look far at all, he’s able to join Lee Stempniak now in the locker room as they complain about these young kids and their damn fidget spinners.

The defensive core is young. Very young. “Isn’t this a school night for half those kids?” young. And some might say that’s a great thing, which it is a few years down the road. But to throw this young core out onto the ice in a division featuring Ovi, Crosby, Tavares, Nash, Atkinson, Voracek, etc and expect them to survive? I give it about five weeks into the season before someone hits Ron Frances with a child endangerment lawsuit. I mean these kids aren’t old enough to remember 2006’s cup run for the Hurricanes. But apparently management loves that year so much, that they keep trotting out…

Cam Ward! Yep, he’s still between your pipes. He’s held onto the starting gig before the Kim K/Ray J tape was leaked. And his numbers have gone down ever since she went do-anyways, the Carolina management has been looking for a replacement in net for quite some time now. And sure, Scott Darling could be the answer. Just like Eddie Lack was supposed to be the answer. And Dan Ellis. And Justin Peters. Point is, expect some more of Ward in net.

Ideally, everything works out for this team. They straighten it all out and you’ll see the fans finally pack their stands again. But realistically, it’s gonna take some time. They’re still not there.

PS: A good chunk of fans want them to return to Hartford. Yeah, because sticking them in a state filled with Rangers and Bruins fans will really solve attendance issues. Chill Connecticut, be thankful you have the Sound Tigers & WolfPack.